Why Being Picky Is Good for Your Confidence

I used to apologize for having preferences. For wanting too much from partners. For being too opinionated. Being "picky" felt like a character flaw, so I did my best to be easy, flexible and agreeable about everything.

Then I almost signed away most of my business.

I was working on a project with someone I considered a mentor, someone I believed had my best interests at heart. I kept asking for a contract the whole way through and never got one. On the final round, she finally put one in front of me, giving herself 65 percent of the profit in perpetuity. She'd done the work of a good graphic designer. I had the IP, the brand, the sales, and I'd be the one paying for print and shipping.

In the meeting, I went along with it. Keeping the peace felt automatic.

The next morning I came out of meditation with a clear, loud, booming no. I got on a call and asked her to rework the deal. She declined. The project ended, and the relationship was never the same.

I rebuilt the whole thing with a new designer for under two hundred dollars. It wasn't really about the money. It was proving to myself that I could trust my own no.

Picky is just another word for "I know what I want"

Every time you honor a preference, you send yourself a message: what I want matters. Remember proof, one of the four ingredients from What Is Confidence Actually Made Of? Each time you stick to a standard and things work out, you collect another receipt that your judgment is good.

Being picky also saves you a ton of energy. When you know your non-negotiables, you're not re-deciding them every time someone pushes.

The one kind of picky to skip

Here's where I put on my healthy-skepticism hat. In 2002, psychologist Barry Schwartz and his team studied "maximizers," people who feel they must find the absolute best option every single time. Maximizers reported lower happiness, optimism, self-esteem and life satisfaction, and more regret and depression than "satisficers," the folks who are happy with good enough.

So the goal isn't being picky about everything. It's being picky about what matters and relaxed about the rest. Picky about your partner, your deals and your energy. Easygoing about which brunch spot you land at.

How to be picky in the confidence-building way

1. Name your non-negotiables. Pick three to five things you won't compromise on in work, love and friendship. Write them down so they're real.

The Guided Clarity Journal for Confidence has prompts that help you get clear on what you actually value. Creating Goals That Align With Your Values pairs perfectly with it.

2. Let the small stuff be good enough. Save your standards for the big decisions so you're not drained by the little ones.

3. Sleep on the big ones. My best no came the morning after. Give yourself a pause before you sign, commit or agree.

4. Say no without a story. "That doesn't work for me" is a full sentence. More help on that in How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty.

5. Wear your standards proudly. Literally, if you want.

Our Boundaries Are My Love Language Sticker is the cutest little reminder on your laptop or water bottle.

These days, I'm still dating, and I'm doing it from a place of honoring myself instead of protecting myself. That's what healthy picky feels like.

Here's an affirmation to carry with you:

I honor what I want. My standards guide me toward people and opportunities that are right for me, and I trust my own yes and my own no.

Want a little backup?

If you're ready to trust your own no (and your own yes), the Clear and Confident Course walks you through it over seven weeks. To book a workshop or keynote, visit CherylSutherland.com.

Source: Schwartz et al., "Maximizing Versus Satisficing: Happiness Is a Matter of Choice," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2002.

About the author

Cheryl Sutherland is a confidence coach, keynote speaker, and the founder of PleaseNotes. She helps women own their worth through workshops, keynotes, and personal growth tools that make confidence something you can practise every day. Her work has been featured in Forbes, InStyle, HuffPost, Fast Company, and Thrive Global, and she's partnered with organizations like WestJet, Intuit, CBC, and Dress for Success. Want Cheryl to speak with your team? Visit CherylSutherland.com.