Why Confident People Are So Magnetic (and It's Not Their Looks)

I hung out with this new group of ladies a little while ago. I thought they would be one way, and I got a reality cheque. Some of them were mean, to be honest. Luckily, that changed, because the ones I couldn't stop paying attention to were a whole different energy.

They said no without a story attached to it. No "so sorry, I would, it's just that my week is crazy." Just a warm "I'll pass, have fun!" They laughed at themselves easily. They asked for what they wanted at dinner and nobody batted an eye. Honestly? I wanted to be around them more.

Come to find out, that pull we feel toward confident people isn't magic. There's real research behind it.

People size you up on two things

Psychologists Susan Fiske, Amy Cuddy and Peter Glick found that we judge each other on two big dimensions: warmth (are you on my side?) and competence (can you actually do the thing?). People who come across as high in both get the most positive reactions across the board.

Here's the key. Real confidence shows up as both. A confident person is steady enough to seem capable and secure enough to be kind, because they aren't busy protecting themselves.

Confidence reads as calm, and calm is contagious

In a 2012 study out of UC Berkeley, Cameron Anderson and his team found that people who showed confidence in group tasks earned more status and influence. The surprising part? Their groups didn't see them as arrogant. The confidence came through in small cues: speaking up more, a relaxed and assured tone, and calm body language.

That's the magnetic piece. When someone is calm and sure of themselves, everyone around them gets to relax a little too.

(Quick note: we're talking about real confidence here, not faking it till you make it. Grounded beats loud every time.)

4 reasons confident people pull us in

1. They make things easy to read. A clear yes and a clear no means nobody's guessing. That feels safe.

2. Their attention is on you. When you're not worried about how you're coming across, you're free to be curious about the person in front of you. People love being really listened to.

3. They take compliments. A simple "thank you, I love this dress too" is so much more attractive than a five-minute rebuttal about how it was on sale.

4. They're not chasing approval. This is the big one. When everyone liking you stops being the goal, the right people end up liking you more. If you're recovering from the opposite, start with How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Losing Who You Are.

How to tap into your own magnetism

Start by noticing your stories. The next time you say no, see if you can leave it at one sentence. Ask for one thing you want this week without padding it with apologies. How to Ask for What You Want (Even When Your Voice Shakes) has some great scripts for this.

Then give your inner voice something good to say. Pull a card each morning and let it set the tone for the day.

Our Aligned Guidance Affirmation Cards are made for exactly this, a little nudge back to your own center before the day gets loud. Here's one to carry with you today:

I am calm, clear and easy to be around. My presence is a gift, and the right people feel at home with me.

Want a little backup?

The Clear and Confident Course is seven weeks of building the kind of grounded confidence people feel the second you walk in. Want me to bring this to your team? Visit CherylSutherland.com.

Sources: Fiske, Cuddy and Glick, "Universal dimensions of social cognition: warmth and competence," Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 2007. Anderson et al., UC Berkeley Haas, 2012.

About the author

Cheryl Sutherland is a confidence coach, keynote speaker, and the founder of PleaseNotes. She helps women own their worth through workshops, keynotes, and personal growth tools that make confidence something you can practise every day. Her work has been featured in Forbes, InStyle, HuffPost, Fast Company, and Thrive Global, and she's partnered with organizations like WestJet, Intuit, CBC, and Dress for Success. Want Cheryl to speak with your team? Visit CherylSutherland.com.