How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others (and Start Measuring Your Own Growth)
By twenty-five, I had the checklist. The car, the house, the relationship, and a job I think every parent wants for their child. Office, benefits, proper benefits, and a healthy direct deposit. What else could I want... right?
Turns out, I was measuring my life against a version of success I never chose. It was the one I'd absorbed from my family and everyone around me. On paper I was winning. Inside, I felt nothing.
That's the sneaky thing about comparison. It doesn't just make you feel behind. It can make you chase a finish line that was never yours to begin with.
Why we compare (and why it's not all bad)
Comparing is human. Our brains are wired to check where we stand. The problem starts when comparison becomes the only way you measure yourself, especially against highlight reels on your phone.
Here's a reframe: comparison is information. When you feel that pinch of envy, it's often pointing at something you want. The question is whether you actually want it, or whether you've been told you should.
1. Get curious about the pinch
Next time you catch yourself comparing, pause and ask:
- What exactly do I admire here?
- Is this something I truly want for my own life?
- What would a version of this look like that feels like me?
Write your answers down. The Jotter Notebooks are perfect for catching these thoughts on the go.
2. Define success in your own words
You can't stop measuring yourself against other people until you have your own measuring stick. Write down what a good life looks like to you. Not to your parents, your feed, or your coworkers. You. Creating Goals That Align With Your Values and How to Redefine "Enough" in a Culture of More are great companions here.
Once you know what matters to you, our Printable Weekly Goal Planner helps you turn it into weekly steps you can actually see yourself taking.
3. Compare yourself to who you were
The only fair comparison is between you and past you. Look back at where you were a year ago. What do you handle now that used to feel impossible? What do you know now that you didn't then?
If you need help spotting your progress, read 10 Signs You're Growing Even When It Doesn't Feel Like It and How to Capture Your Evolution, One Entry at a Time.
4. Practice gratitude for your own life
Gratitude is one of the most effective antidotes to comparison, because it turns your attention back to what's already here. It's hard to feel like you're losing when you're actively noticing what's going right.
The Guided Gratitude Journal takes about five minutes a day and gently shifts your focus from what's missing to what's yours. We dig into why this works in The Connection Between Gratitude and Abundance.
5. Curate what you consume
If certain accounts leave you feeling smaller every time, you're allowed to mute them. That's not jealousy. That's protecting your peace. Fill your feed with people who make you feel inspired instead of behind.
Your ruler, your life
When I finally asked myself what I wanted, the answer was moving to Sunny Southern California. It didn't make sense on anyone else's checklist. It made perfect sense on mine. Within 90 days I had a visa, a job, and a place to stay, and I drove down to Long Beach less than eight months after deciding.
About the author
Cheryl Sutherland is a confidence coach, keynote speaker, and the founder of PleaseNotes. She helps women own their worth through workshops, keynotes, and personal growth tools that make confidence something you can practise every day. Her work has been featured in Forbes, InStyle, HuffPost, Fast Company, and Thrive Global, and she's partnered with organizations like WestJet, Intuit, CBC, and Dress for Success. Want Cheryl to speak with your team? Visit CherylSutherland.com.
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