How to Build Self-Esteem When You Didn't Grow Up Hearing "Good Job"

Growing up, I rarely heard praise directly. Every so often I'd overhear my family giving a factual report to an aunt about how I was doing in school, and that was about it. The one compliment I could count on? Being well-mannered at other people's houses. Sit in this chair, don't touch anything, and you'll get a nod of approval.

Turns out, when the only praise you get is for being easy, you learn that being easy is what makes you valuable. Come to find out, a lot of us grew up this way. Maybe your parents showed love through providing, or fixing, or just being there. Maybe "good job" was assumed and never said. Either way, many of us became adults who are still quietly waiting for someone to tell us we're doing okay.

Here's the thing. You can learn to give yourself what you didn't get.

Notice the pattern first

Ask yourself a few honest questions. When do I feel most worthy? Is it when I'm helping, achieving, or being agreeable? What happens inside me when no one notices what I did?

If your worth feels tied to performance, you're not alone. We talk about this in What Happens When You Stop Earning Love and Why You Don't Need to Hustle to Be Worthy.

Become your own witness

When praise was scarce, your wins went unrecorded. That meant your brain never built a library of evidence that you're capable. You can start building it now.

Every evening, write down three things you did well. Tiny counts. You drank your water. You sent the hard email. You rested without apologizing. The practice in Noting Three Wins Every Day (Even Tiny Ones) is one of the simplest self-esteem tools there is.

We love doing this with our Affirmation Pens for Positive Self-Talk. Each pen carries a reminder, so even the act of writing your wins becomes a little pep talk.

Say the words you were waiting for

This one feels a little silly at first, and that's okay. Say the words out loud: "Good job." "I'm proud of you." "You handled that well." Your nervous system learns from repetition, and it doesn't need the words to come from someone else to feel them.

Try this affirmation in the morning or before something that stretches you:

I am proud of who I am becoming. I notice my growth and I celebrate it. My worth is already here, and I welcome praise from myself and from others. I am allowed to feel good about what I do and who I am.

If you'd rather hear it than say it, the Guided I Am Meditation walks you through "I am" statements in a calm, guided way, so the words can land a little deeper.

Let small wins stack up

Self-esteem grows when evidence piles up. Every time you keep a promise to yourself, finish something hard, or speak up, you add another brick. How Small Wins Build Big Self-Trust and You Are the Evidence: How to See Your Own Progress go deeper on this.

Practice giving the praise you wanted

One of the most healing things you can do is give out the words you didn't hear. Tell a coworker exactly what they did well. Leave a note for your partner or your kid. Funny enough, it gets easier to receive praise once you're used to giving it freely.

The "Hey You, In Case You Were Wondering" Notepad makes this easy. Tear off a page, write something kind, and leave it for someone, or for yourself on the bathroom mirror.

The words were always yours to give

You may never get the "good job" you were waiting for from the people you wanted it from. That's a real loss, and it's okay to feel it. What you can do is start saying it to yourself, today, in your own handwriting. I'm proud of you. Keep going.

About the author

Cheryl Sutherland is a confidence coach, keynote speaker, and the founder of PleaseNotes. She helps women own their worth through workshops, keynotes, and personal growth tools that make confidence something you can practise every day. Her work has been featured in Forbes, InStyle, HuffPost, Fast Company, and Thrive Global, and she's partnered with organizations like WestJet, Intuit, CBC, and Dress for Success. Want Cheryl to speak with your team? Visit CherylSutherland.com.