I would be lying if I said the last month or so hasn't been hard on me. Being the stubborn person that I am, it was hard to acknowledge that the way I was living my life wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't celebrating, having fun, feeling the joy that I used to. I know inherently that the magic happens for me when I'm in flow, when I'm in joy, when I'm detached, and I had regressed to an old familiar habit of struggle, shrinking, and panic.
Growing up, the theme in my house (especially around money) was that there was not enough. No matter how much I made, saved, or didn't spend, there was always was an inkling of not-enoughness. The fun thing about doing this work is that your unhealed wounds LOVE to make themselves known in new and creative ways. This time, it was in the form of a free vacation.
One of my favorite people offered to fly me out to join her and her partner on a vacation that they were on and I jumped on the chance. We got everything squared away for the flights, but then the night before I was supposed to leave I found out the room hadn't been booked. We did our absolute best to get a room, but they had gone up so much in price it didn't make sense. When that trip fell apart I realized how much I had been needing relief. That offer of the vacation was like a godsend, a respite from the stress and pressure that I was living with day-to-day.
Here's the kicker. I realized was the one that had been hurting myself. I was the one choosing to not give to myself, love myself, cherish myself with play, so much so that I thought I needed to look outside myself to get that.
If I'm the one that creates my reality, why have I been choosing one that I don't like?
The truth is, I've been afraid for a very, very long time.
I'm not fond of what I do daily. I've fallen out of love with it.
Something else has caught my eye a long time ago, and I've just been so afraid to leave what I'm doing and let something else in.
My fear has made it easy to stay stuck, and I never really let myself articulate exactly what I wish to do next because I thought who am I to do it.
I'm Cheryl Sutherland dammit.
I'm an abundant goddess of supreme ecstasy.
I am a light being and God source energy.
And I am supported in everything that I do. I just forgot.
I did a lovely journaling exercise the other day and I found myself a little ashamed. I wrote out the past, present, and what I want for the future in all four areas of my life, and my career was the hardest. I realized I just wanted to be myself, make a bunch of money, and create things occasionally. Why would I be ashamed of that? Well because it counteracts my old belief system that I have to work hard and struggle for something to be valuable. That flies in the face of everything I had learned and in looking backward at this snapshot of my life, everything good has happened for me when I was happy, in the flow and I let myself feel safe and taken care of.
So I'm trying something new.
I'm making my focus and planning my days solely around feeling good.
If someone wants to have a meeting with me that I don't want to do, I decline.
If I feel a task is an "I have to" vs "I want to", I'm delegating it or waiting for a better time to do it.
If I don't feel good about a person or a partnership, I honor that feeling and bow out vs sticking it out.
I'm letting good things happen for me, and so far it's working pretty well. This week alone I've closed 2 wholesale deals, been asked to speak on a podcast and an exclusive event and I've had good sales on my website.
It's not only okay that you get the things that you want, it's necessary.
Society cannot move forward unless we go for what we want.
The Universe cannot move forward unless we say yes to expansion, and be willing to explore and dissolve the things that aren't working for us.
So with that, I am focusing on my speaking career. Sharing my experiences with the Law of Attraction, how to manifest the things that you desire, and taking myself and my business to the next level.
I'm still going to be growing and playing with PleaseNotes, and I'm also creating new ways to give value to the people I love, aka the people reading this right now.
Thank you for holding space for me, letting me be vulnerable, and being brave. As another sweet sign from the Universe, I got an order as I was in the middle of typing everything. Everything is always working out for me, and I'm letting that be true at a deeper level than ever before.